I just don't know what I want anymore. I keep thinking woooo! airplanes! airforce! pilot! YAY! And I really want that. Oh so very much. But the past 2 years have illuminated something to me. I will always want music in my life. And mom says its impossible for me to major in some sort of engineering and minor in music. but its what I want more than anything. I want to fly airplanes, but I want to be part of UK's band. Its all so confusing.

Religiously, my situation is worse. I think about religion, and honestly, I feel nothing. I want to feel something. But I have been pushed away from it so many times by people and I don't know what I want now. People tell me I have to be a Christian, and that its the only way. But how do we know for sure? I have nothing really against religion, except for the nuts that pretty much hate all other religions. I am just confused, and don't know what is right for me right now. The closest thing I felt to peace was in the Hindu Temple I went to at GSP. What if they are right? I just am lost right now.

I am trying to find out who I am, because honestly, I don't know right now. I know what I want to be, but I don't know if it is really who I am. I WANT so badly to be in the air force. But can I handle it? Am I ready? I just don't know. I keep second guessing myself on everything. I wish I had another year, maybe I'd be ready then.

Whats worse is I have been treating a lot of people differently this year. Appearently I have changed. I appearently am not the same person I was last year. I know its because I matured a bit at GSP, I had a taste of college, an experience that only 5 other people at my school have had and they understand my experience. They understand how much GSP is a life changing experience. According to others, I am different.... is this a good thing or a bad thing? Mom says its good, but I am losing friends because of it, but gaining new ones. I dunno. I don't even technically have a best friend. Which I would like to have, but eh this year that I learned I don't need a best friend here with me. Kaity is who I consider my best friend, but she lives 4 hours away, and thats hard. I miss her greatly. I can tell her anything. I do wish I had someone like that here in Berea. but its ok that I don't, because Kaity and I WILL be roomates in college ^_^

I know I probably sound like an emo whiny betch, but these are just things on my mind a lot lately. Things are scaring me, like leaving high school. I feel like there are so many things left undone, and unsaid. I am not ready for this thing called "life" after high school.

I love you all though. Just know that. I thank you for your friendship. Especially the new ones this year. Kaity, Hannah, Savannah, Kyle, Ben, Bonta... you guys have made my year this year. I wish I had been closer to you guys all throughout highschool. I look forward to talking you all of you everyday, or at least texting you (sorry if I haven't Kaity and Ben). You are amazing.

Just some words from Nancy. WOW. My first SERIOUS blog. Any thoughts or comment??




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